Humorous Quotes

Humorous Quotes

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. ~Author Unknown


The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg. ~Author Unknown


The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Author Unknown


A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now. ~Author Unknown


Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown


A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. ~Sir Winston Churchill


Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. ~Author Unknown


Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes. ~Author Unknown


How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on? ~Tom Waits, "Mr Siegal," Heartattack and Vine


Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig


A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name. ~Evan Esar


Home is heaven and orgies are vile,
But I like an orgy, once in a while.
~Ogden Nash, Home, 99 44/100% Sweet Home


Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971


A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny