Saturday, January 16, 2010

Humorous Quotes

Humorous Quotes

A fool and his money are soon parted - especially with the government to expedite matters.

A fool and his money are soon parted because he has more dollars than sense.

"A fool and his money are soon parted, but seldom by another fool."

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A fool and his money are soon popular.

"It's a good idea to keep on good terms with everybody, but especially with your wife, your banker, your stomach, and your conscience."

"It is a good idea to believe only half of what you hear, but be sure the half you believe isn't the wrong half."

Never hesitate to steal a good idea.
Al Neuharth

"The United Nations is a good idea, but it's a pity they have to have so many foreigners in it."

A good idea is one that hits the other fellow with a bolt of envy.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Humorous Quotes

Humorous Quotes

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. ~H.L. Mencken

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. ~Author Unknown

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. ~Attributed to Arthur McBride Bloch

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. ~Author Unknown

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz

All generalizations are bad. ~R.H. Grenier

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. ~Tom Waits, Small Change

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. ~P.J. O'Rourke

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? ~Nigel Rees

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~Elayne Boosler

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~George Ade

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle

If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me. ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Humorous Quotes

Humorous Quotes

Man was predestined to have free will. ~Hal Lee Luyah

Maybe this world is another planet's hell. ~Aldous Huxley

Murphy was an optimist. ~O'Toole's Commentary

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. ~Nicholas Chamfort

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good. ~Robert Graves

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. ~Douglas Adams

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Today is the last day of some of your life. ~Author Unknown

Without geography, you're nowhere. ~Author Unknown

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. ~Author Unknown

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East

As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around. ~Robert Brault,

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. ~Dave Beard

There's no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~Jerry Seinfeld

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. ~Woody Allen

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes. ~Douglas Adams

And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!" ~Author Unknown

May those who love us love us,
and those who do not love us,
may God turn their hearts,
and if He cannot turn their hearts
may He turn their ankles
that we may know them by their limping.
~Irish Prayer

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Humorous Quotes

Humorous Quotes

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. ~Author Unknown

The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg. ~Author Unknown

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Author Unknown

A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now. ~Author Unknown

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. ~Sir Winston Churchill

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. ~Author Unknown

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes. ~Author Unknown

How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on? ~Tom Waits, "Mr Siegal," Heartattack and Vine

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name. ~Evan Esar

Home is heaven and orgies are vile,
But I like an orgy, once in a while.
~Ogden Nash, Home, 99 44/100% Sweet Home

Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Humorous quotes


* We are not anticipating any emergencies.

* It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

* Act natural.

* This report is filled with omissions.

* I can't remember having a more memorable time.

* No one goes to that restaurant anymore
--it's always too crowded.

* By definition, one divided by zero is undefined.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
- Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
- Katherine Cebrian

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Robert Orben

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
- Woody Allen

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
- Dave Barry

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
- David Letterman

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
- Tommy Cooper

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg

Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."

I tried to think but nothing happened!
- Curly

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Jon Hammond

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.
- Dick Cavett

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Fletcher Knebel

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
- Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), while working, when informed that his wife is dying

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
- Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943

The covers of this book are too far apart.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Author Unknown

Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.

One of the check-out counters had a sign that said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions. The other half, just don't care.

A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

I knew it! I'm surrounded by assholes!

Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.

Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!

I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!

I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.

Im not as think as you drunk i am.

Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created."

When you're run down the best thing to take is the license number.

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. Now, the guy who invented the other three... he was the genius.

I'm normal. It's everyone else that's weird.

Evening news: Where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To make things simple...let's automatically assume that everything I say is right.

If you think sex is a pain in the ass-you're doing it wrong!

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau].

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

A guy walked into a bar. He was treated for minor injuries.

The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.

"I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes."
"Have you seen a doctor?"
"No, just spots."

I must be wishing on someone else's star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for.

A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands.

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."

Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

I only know how to do things 3 ways: the WRONG way. the RIGHT way. and MY way. Which is really the WRONG way, only faster!

Don't judge a book by its movie.

The Next Time You Think You're Perfect, Try Walking On Water

Monday, January 11, 2010

Humorous quotes

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
-A. Whitney Brown

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Stephen Wright

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
- Stephen Wright.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
-Bruce Baum

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeners.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

You can observe a lot by just watching.
- Yogi Berra

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
- Walter Bagehot

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
- Yogi Berra

He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.
- Robert Gronock.

Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!
- Frank

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.
(Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969)

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler

Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.
- Frank King, Winter Olympic Games organizing committee chairman.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.
- Mark Knopfler.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.
- Barrymore.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
- Mork, Mork and Mindy

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
- Dick Cavett

When you come to a fork in the road, take it!
- Yogi Berra

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
- Dan Quayle

Congratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia."
- Spaceballs (Dark Helmet)

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
- W. C. Fields.

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
- Dolph Sharp

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.
- George Carlin