Humorous Quotes

Humorous Quotes

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen


Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. ~H.L. Mencken


A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. ~Author Unknown


A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. ~Attributed to Arthur McBride Bloch


A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. ~Author Unknown


If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went


Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz


All generalizations are bad. ~R.H. Grenier


All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin


The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. ~Tom Waits, Small Change


Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield


After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. ~P.J. O'Rourke


How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? ~Nigel Rees


I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~Elayne Boosler


Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~George Ade


An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle


If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me. ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet